If you ever doubted someone's ability to hide depression, you should just try returning to normal life after the death of a close love one. You'll be surprised how normal and even happy you can pull off seeming. Maybe not all day, sure, but just long enough. And that's the key.
It's been over a week now since I got the news that my cousin had committed suicide, and while much of life demands a return to normalcy, it becomes ever clearer things just will never be quite the same.
I shared some links last week about helping those with depression or suicidal thoughts and made a personal plea in some mom groups I'm a part of to check in with their children. I've talked to those who were hurting over the same loss as me and to those who have suffered similar losses.
And I've done a bit of research.
Ultimately, it isn't easy to tell if a loved one is suicidal. More often, the most determined to do it, hide it the best. But they do have certain traits, ingredients really, that may not always result in suicide, but that definitely have to be present for them to succeed at it.
By examining those, maybe we'll all be in a better position to recognize when it is being hidden from us.
However, and this is important, I by no means claim to be an expert or suggest that this is all there is to know.
Hardly.
In fact, if you read and read and read, a reoccurring theme seems to emerge, and it is simply this:
suicide is not logical.
That is partly what makes it so frustrating. The person who does it is often not thinking logically or even relying on their logical abilities in the typical ways when they make the decision. So keep that in mind.
These ingredients aren't the be all end all, but they may offer insight into what was going through a suicidal person's mind in the final moments.
Ingredient 1:
Nothing Left to Live For -
While depression or suicidal thoughts can be something that plagues a person for years or something that hits them suddenly, to get to that point, they have to believe or convince themselves that there is nothing left for them.
There is no light beyond the horizon. There is no ladder for them to climb from their deep hole. There is no way out of their current misery except death.
What's most important about this is that it is a feeling -- not a logical thought process. They can be told "things will get better," even shown it, but knowing something and feeling something aren't the same thing.
If you doubt that, just take a look at survivor's guilt. We may know it wasn't our fault a loved one is gone, but it doesn't change the guilt that we feel.
On the flip side, the suicidal person is in a dark place, and for all their wit or support systems, they just don't feel like things will ever change. This idea of spending the rest of their life in such utter misery is the starting point for the suicidal thoughts.
It is also the one area where you may be able to pick up a sign -- if the person stops caring about future consequences, they may be thinking about committing suicide.
Ingredient 2:
Burden -
A comprehensive study of suicide notes --What we have. The majority of people who kill themselves don't actually leave a note. So much so, that a note is more often a sign of foul play. But some do, so the study focused on notes of those who did commit v.s those who only attempted or got to the note stage only. Anyway, the notes-- showed that those who were really serious about committing suicide felt they were a burden. Again, this is a feeling more than it is based on a reality. But it is a feeling every single successful sucide's note shared.
So, if they're about to convince themselves that not only would they be better off if they were dead but that their loved ones would also be better off, then they are much more likely to actually commit suicide. So, this means, even if a person is offered love and support, if they can convince themselves that you would not need to put the time and energy into supporting them if they were gone and therefore you would be better off, then they can convince themselves that suicide is a viable option.
Combined with Nothing Left to Live For, they can convince themselves that death "makes sense" and is the only thing that does as it will help "everyone."
Ingredient 3:
Strength -
It seems weird to discuss strength and suicide in the same sentence, but strength is required. Research has also shown that those who are able to commit suicide have also shown great resilience to physical self harm -- and I'm not talking about cutting, though that could be an early sign. No, any kind of self harm in the name of a goal or gain is apparently skill building for suicide as well.
You have to be able to believe that if you hurt yourself some, something will come from it, and you have to had actually done it in the past and proven you could do it. This could mean training for an extreme sport. So, clearly this alone will not indicate someone is suicidal, but it is something they've found a has correlation to it.
Again, these things don't guarantee a suicide no more than not having them can guarantee someone won't one day commit suicide. But these items I think do give us some insight into the question: "What in the world were they thinking?"
And knowing this makes a few other things clear:
1. It isn't Just About I Love You -
Telling someone you love and support them and even showing them is not enough. If they are suffering from clinical depression, they need to get help. It could be mentally, physically, medically, or psychologically instigated, but until you have them checked out, you will never know.
And as mentioned above, they could even convince themselves that your love and need to go out of your way to help them makes them a burden to you, so that extra phone call you've been beating yourself up over, may not have been enough to save the day anyway. It seems from those that I have talked to,nothing less than direct, physical intervention at the time of the act prevented them from actually killing themselves.
Further, often the person hides their suicidal thoughts because they know you love them. That's why they hide it from you. The fear you'll stop them.
This isn't to say don't tell anyone you love them -- that is clearly ridiculous and can lead to the same fate or other disasters. But it is a good reminder that suicide isn't logical. Having a support system is better than not having one, and those hours you log with loved ones do matter and do count for something and make it more likely you'll notice something. But when a person hits this particular frame of mind, they are not thinking how they normally would.
2. We Need More than the Stereotype-
Often we see suicidal people presented as obviously depressed or exhibiting major life or social changes before the big deed. Perhaps this is the fault of the media or stories or whatever it is, but we seem to have this idea in our heads about the type of person who would commit suicide and become depressed and the kind that wouldn't. The type we're familiar with certainly could commit suicide, but they're not the only ones.
The truth is, there isn't a cut and dry way to tell because suicidal thoughts can be triggered by more than typical depression. Maladaptive Perfectionism can lead to suicide and often results in the most surprising of suicides. These are people who strive for perfection and keeping up of appearances so much so that any inability or struggle to do so leads to depression or suicide. Because they are often extremely successful and sociable, and one of their drives is to seem happy to others, their suicides are often the most surprising.
3. We Need to Talk About it More
It seems you never know how common something is until you experience it. We are seldom alone in this world, but mental illness, depression, and suicide all have a certain stigma around them. We're embarrassed of them. We're embarrassed to say someone committed suicide because it will make others uncomfortable. We're embarrassed to admit we need mental help or that someone we love does. Part of the why the unhelpful stereotypes live on is our inability to discuss it.
I once heard someone say that child molestation would pretty much be gone if more people had the courage to actually talk about it. She said we know the signs. We know what they are. We give training on specific warning signs and the children most often targeted. We have a wealth of information, but because it makes people uncomfortable to talk about and they think it won't happen to them, we don't get educated, we don't catch it, and we don't even know it is happening around us more than we'd like to admit.
I don't think talking about suicide would eradicate it in the same way, but it would likely help more people than not.
Because again, the hardest thing to accept about suicide is that it is very difficult to prevent -- even if you see the signs and get someone help. It can be a long hard journey with a patient who is actively working against you.
I'm not sure if posting this will help anyone. I'm not even sure how it makes me feel.
Honestly, it feels contradictory in so many ways even though I logically know the facts.
It feels emotionally removed, which I hate, because I am emotionally still reeling.
At the same time, if I had paid more attention to this information years ago, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here wondering how much personal information I should include about a loved one who now haunts my every waking hour -- I maybe, wouldn't even be writing this post.
There's no way to know for sure for me.
But maybe I can give someone else the chance to find out.
It's been over a week now since I got the news that my cousin had committed suicide, and while much of life demands a return to normalcy, it becomes ever clearer things just will never be quite the same.
I shared some links last week about helping those with depression or suicidal thoughts and made a personal plea in some mom groups I'm a part of to check in with their children. I've talked to those who were hurting over the same loss as me and to those who have suffered similar losses.
And I've done a bit of research.
Ultimately, it isn't easy to tell if a loved one is suicidal. More often, the most determined to do it, hide it the best. But they do have certain traits, ingredients really, that may not always result in suicide, but that definitely have to be present for them to succeed at it.
By examining those, maybe we'll all be in a better position to recognize when it is being hidden from us.
However, and this is important, I by no means claim to be an expert or suggest that this is all there is to know.
Hardly.
In fact, if you read and read and read, a reoccurring theme seems to emerge, and it is simply this:
suicide is not logical.
That is partly what makes it so frustrating. The person who does it is often not thinking logically or even relying on their logical abilities in the typical ways when they make the decision. So keep that in mind.
These ingredients aren't the be all end all, but they may offer insight into what was going through a suicidal person's mind in the final moments.
Ingredient 1:
Nothing Left to Live For -
While depression or suicidal thoughts can be something that plagues a person for years or something that hits them suddenly, to get to that point, they have to believe or convince themselves that there is nothing left for them.
There is no light beyond the horizon. There is no ladder for them to climb from their deep hole. There is no way out of their current misery except death.
What's most important about this is that it is a feeling -- not a logical thought process. They can be told "things will get better," even shown it, but knowing something and feeling something aren't the same thing.
If you doubt that, just take a look at survivor's guilt. We may know it wasn't our fault a loved one is gone, but it doesn't change the guilt that we feel.
On the flip side, the suicidal person is in a dark place, and for all their wit or support systems, they just don't feel like things will ever change. This idea of spending the rest of their life in such utter misery is the starting point for the suicidal thoughts.
It is also the one area where you may be able to pick up a sign -- if the person stops caring about future consequences, they may be thinking about committing suicide.
Ingredient 2:
Burden -
A comprehensive study of suicide notes --What we have. The majority of people who kill themselves don't actually leave a note. So much so, that a note is more often a sign of foul play. But some do, so the study focused on notes of those who did commit v.s those who only attempted or got to the note stage only. Anyway, the notes-- showed that those who were really serious about committing suicide felt they were a burden. Again, this is a feeling more than it is based on a reality. But it is a feeling every single successful sucide's note shared.
So, if they're about to convince themselves that not only would they be better off if they were dead but that their loved ones would also be better off, then they are much more likely to actually commit suicide. So, this means, even if a person is offered love and support, if they can convince themselves that you would not need to put the time and energy into supporting them if they were gone and therefore you would be better off, then they can convince themselves that suicide is a viable option.
Combined with Nothing Left to Live For, they can convince themselves that death "makes sense" and is the only thing that does as it will help "everyone."
Ingredient 3:
Strength -
It seems weird to discuss strength and suicide in the same sentence, but strength is required. Research has also shown that those who are able to commit suicide have also shown great resilience to physical self harm -- and I'm not talking about cutting, though that could be an early sign. No, any kind of self harm in the name of a goal or gain is apparently skill building for suicide as well.
You have to be able to believe that if you hurt yourself some, something will come from it, and you have to had actually done it in the past and proven you could do it. This could mean training for an extreme sport. So, clearly this alone will not indicate someone is suicidal, but it is something they've found a has correlation to it.
Again, these things don't guarantee a suicide no more than not having them can guarantee someone won't one day commit suicide. But these items I think do give us some insight into the question: "What in the world were they thinking?"
And knowing this makes a few other things clear:
1. It isn't Just About I Love You -
Telling someone you love and support them and even showing them is not enough. If they are suffering from clinical depression, they need to get help. It could be mentally, physically, medically, or psychologically instigated, but until you have them checked out, you will never know.
And as mentioned above, they could even convince themselves that your love and need to go out of your way to help them makes them a burden to you, so that extra phone call you've been beating yourself up over, may not have been enough to save the day anyway. It seems from those that I have talked to,nothing less than direct, physical intervention at the time of the act prevented them from actually killing themselves.
Further, often the person hides their suicidal thoughts because they know you love them. That's why they hide it from you. The fear you'll stop them.
This isn't to say don't tell anyone you love them -- that is clearly ridiculous and can lead to the same fate or other disasters. But it is a good reminder that suicide isn't logical. Having a support system is better than not having one, and those hours you log with loved ones do matter and do count for something and make it more likely you'll notice something. But when a person hits this particular frame of mind, they are not thinking how they normally would.
2. We Need More than the Stereotype-
Often we see suicidal people presented as obviously depressed or exhibiting major life or social changes before the big deed. Perhaps this is the fault of the media or stories or whatever it is, but we seem to have this idea in our heads about the type of person who would commit suicide and become depressed and the kind that wouldn't. The type we're familiar with certainly could commit suicide, but they're not the only ones.
The truth is, there isn't a cut and dry way to tell because suicidal thoughts can be triggered by more than typical depression. Maladaptive Perfectionism can lead to suicide and often results in the most surprising of suicides. These are people who strive for perfection and keeping up of appearances so much so that any inability or struggle to do so leads to depression or suicide. Because they are often extremely successful and sociable, and one of their drives is to seem happy to others, their suicides are often the most surprising.
3. We Need to Talk About it More
It seems you never know how common something is until you experience it. We are seldom alone in this world, but mental illness, depression, and suicide all have a certain stigma around them. We're embarrassed of them. We're embarrassed to say someone committed suicide because it will make others uncomfortable. We're embarrassed to admit we need mental help or that someone we love does. Part of the why the unhelpful stereotypes live on is our inability to discuss it.
I once heard someone say that child molestation would pretty much be gone if more people had the courage to actually talk about it. She said we know the signs. We know what they are. We give training on specific warning signs and the children most often targeted. We have a wealth of information, but because it makes people uncomfortable to talk about and they think it won't happen to them, we don't get educated, we don't catch it, and we don't even know it is happening around us more than we'd like to admit.
I don't think talking about suicide would eradicate it in the same way, but it would likely help more people than not.
Because again, the hardest thing to accept about suicide is that it is very difficult to prevent -- even if you see the signs and get someone help. It can be a long hard journey with a patient who is actively working against you.
I'm not sure if posting this will help anyone. I'm not even sure how it makes me feel.
Honestly, it feels contradictory in so many ways even though I logically know the facts.
It feels emotionally removed, which I hate, because I am emotionally still reeling.
At the same time, if I had paid more attention to this information years ago, then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here wondering how much personal information I should include about a loved one who now haunts my every waking hour -- I maybe, wouldn't even be writing this post.
There's no way to know for sure for me.
But maybe I can give someone else the chance to find out.
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