In the final trimester of my pregnancy, I noticed a trend in the magazines and emails that I'd been receiving-- they each featured an article about a mom who made the decision to give up working to stay at home and how great a decision that was for them.
Though they were all different, they started pretty much the same way; when they looked at the cost of childcare v.s. what they were making, they realized that they might as well stay home. Now, we could say a lot about the cost of childcare (though when you think of how that costs results in the person taking care of your children still making a fairly low wage, it might make your head spin) and also about how much certain professions pay, but that is a different discussion. The important part is that the other thing these women had in common was a choice.
Sure, they had to "cut back" or "learn to budget more tightly," (with kids you still need to do those things anyway )but they literally had the option to just stop working. Not everyone has that option. I don't.
Now, I'm not what anyone would consider poor, but I do have debts and responsibilities that I simply can't just decide to not pay. When I pay off some debt, I'll be in a better position, but still not one where I can make no income and rely solely on my husband's.
So, while these articles were meant to be new and trendy -- in the past they told us, guess what you can still work, so now they want to show that it is ok to choose not to-- all they did was make me feel guilty about not being in a position to just stop working. We're told not to compare ourselves to other mothers all the time, but these articles were making it kind of hard not to. They certainly were written with that "you can do it too!" bent.
Now, I'm glad that we're beginning to realize that "having it all" isn't really a viable option. There was a really great article about this that came out last summer, but the concept has been around for some time, alive in multiple analogies in other fields. For example, one way of looking at it was like what someone once told David Sedaris (that he mentions in his latest book Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls); you need to look at your life like a stove top with four burners. One is family, one is work, one is health, and one is friends. To be successful, you need to turn one off. To be really successful, you need to turn off two.
So, yes. It is nice that when it comes to "the modern woman" that we are finally realizing what so many other people, I guess buisness people, have been realizing for years. But this new view (Just stay at home), though it means to be refreshing, is just a rehashing of the old impossible for many women and, more importantly, assumes that this is an either or choice.
Most all of us can choose to go to work, but not all of us can choose to leave it. This isn't a matter of personality or preference or career goals v.s. home goals. This is a matter of financial can's and cannot's.
What our parenting and baby magazines and bloggers seem to miss is that life is more complicated than a black and white stay at home mom or a corporate genius who happens to have kids, and also that our actions dictate more than our "wants" and most of the time, don't properly demonstrate our wants at all. The whole issue is built up around a choice that isn't really a choice for many women and then decorated with all the claims that one or the other makes you a good or bad person, an involved or uninvolved mom.
the women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed," is only scratching the surface. I don't consider myself superhuman, I'm not rich (ha!), but I run a close schedule to almost being self-employed. I teach, and when I became pregnant, one of my institutions graciously moved me to online classes. To make up the difference of not being offered anything at the other location, I begin doing a bit of contract grading. So in short, since my third trimester, I have largely been able to set my own schedule.
At first, this seemed like the perfect solution. I could work and be a full time mother. And initially, when my little one spent the majority of his days napping or clinging to my breast (yes, I used a boppy to nurse and work at the same time), it was a great solution. My work was punctuated by baby giggles and back dropped by snuggles. Random dance breaks kept us both entertained, and I was blessed with a child who was fine self-amusing himself on a play mat for an hour at a time. Not everyone's child has such a workable temperament -- I knew that and was grateful for his.
But as the weeks lagged on, and baby started to demand a bit more of my attention and time, I began to feel guilty. Instead of feeling like I was accomplishing both of my "jobs," I began to often feel like a failure at both. That wonderful hour where he was entertained on the play mat tortured me because I felt I should be interacting with him, teaching him things, guiding his growth and education. Likewise, I began to resent dirty diapers and fussy fits because I felt I could get more done (likely true) without the interruption. And if I decided to make him wait just a little longer for a diaper change or meal so that I could finish something, I felt like an inattentive mother.
There is a considerable amount of worry being a parent as there is. I am a particular fan of the saying that "Behind every good kid there is a mom who is sure she is messing it up." But, I was caught in something else. Instead of just getting the best of both worlds, which I was to a certain degree, I was also getting the worst of both -- an unfocused and hindered work day and a child I felt I was neglecting.
Being offered a few on campus classes did not solve my worries. My second institution offered me classes again, but they were in the middle of the day. Day Care was out of the question as I only needed it two days a week (go back to cost, yikes!), so we're interviewing for Nannies. This was such a hard decision to make, and I still quibble over it now and again.
I feel guilty admitting it will be nice to get out of the house and focus just on work, and I feel guilty leaving my son with someone else two days out of the week, despite our thorough interview process.
But here's the thing.
I shouldn't.
I'm doing what I have to do. I'm doing the best that I can. And despite the moments where I don't feel like "being mommy," I love my son more than I have loved anything. I shouldn't feel guilty admitting that leaving him with someone else will actually be better for his social interaction and my productivity. Just as I shouldn't feel guilty about making work work with my son at home.
Today, for instance, was one of those days where I re-discovered his schedule and worked around his alone playtime and naps and was able to get a good amount of work done, guilt free. I stopped between essays to check on him and even had a mini dance session before his first nap. I also realized that when I was able to relax and let the day happen, him time, me time, and not worry about if this was the road to perfect mothering or how I would be judged etc. that it worked out better for both of us.
What I have discovered is this: Society makes it seem like there is a simple choice. That you either choose to be "a great mom" who stays at home with their kids or you choose be a great career woman who happens to have children. They tell you you shouldn't feel guilty for your decision either way, but then bombard you with articles and research to dispute whatever choice you've made.
We have an overwhelming pressure in today's world to categorize everything. Authors have been forced into these labels for years, those who liked to work in more than one genre or for more than one audience being forced, basically, to do it in secret or under a pseudonym or getting banned like Tomi Ungeger if the audiences were too far apart. But this senseless categorization has permeated into our lives. Perhaps because of online shopping or the intense pressure to discover markets or finding people who are like you on things like Facebook.
I'm not saying that we never categorized people before, just that it seems to have gotten worse in terms of how polarized we are, even as a nation in general. (THAT certainly is a another story.) It has fostered a way of thinking that suggests though there are hundreds of choices, only a select few are right, and the rest are wrong, not just practically, but morally.
And it's actually more complicated than making the "wrong" choice of the "two" types. Having managed to live in the gray area, I realize this guilt is there no matter what you choose.
70% of all women suffer from Baby Blues after giving birth and about 13% go on to suffer from Postpartum Depression. Fathers are not usually included in these statistics and some sites will even imply that it is not possible for Fathers to feel this way. However, that is not the case. I personally suffered from Baby Blues, and though I didn't understand it at the time (I loved my baby, why was I so sad?) I quickly realized once I recovered that it was the over bearing expectations that had me down.
All I wanted to do was stare at and tend to my little one, and rightfully so. Had I lived in a cave way back in time, I could have, slowly adjusting back into the wild and introducing it to my off spring slowly. But today, that is not possible. Maternity leave on average is 6-8 weeks. Since I was still part-time, I continued to work during my birth. My Baby Blues came from the pure impossibility I was feeling. How, how can I possibly do ALL THAT??
It doesn't help that the hospital and other outlets make you certain your child will get dropped or suffocate in their sleep unless you are 100% vigilant, but the main source of my issue was that I knew I was expected to a certain degree to bounce back quickly. Take my break and get back to work, but also try to be the best mother possible because hey, kids are our future.
It's great that we can research the effects of parenting now, that I can tell you how many people suffer from Baby Blues, or how different things effect my child's development. But, we are way too anxious to make that research "useful," to use it to determine how to be the perfect parent.
Giving birth is already intimidating enough (their life is literally in your hands) without the added pressure that if you choose to stay with your baby you're not doing your part for society or your family. Or that if you return to work, you're not really "being a mom." Or that you are one of those people who must do both. I'm curious how many Baby Blues stem from similar fears.
There needs to be a movement in general that while yes, categories and generalizations have their place, the truth is that we are a world of individuals, or as my husband likes to say, snowflakes.
Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will work for me and vice versa. This is something that most mothers seem to come to realize and accept. Embrace even. Offering advice and taking it knowing already that they'll put their own spin on it and it will work or not.
They know that, whether they are a mother who spends her lunch breaks at a child care or stays home and makes sandwiches shaped like stars, that they're doing the best they can and making it work.
And yet, I'm sure, even they feel a little guilty now and then.
While it is wonderful that most of us can see the light and come around to the same conclusion on their own or with the help of experienced mothers, it would be even nicer if all these outlets that claim to support and educate new moms took on that attitude, just like that (instead of getting schizophrenic and telling us on one page to return to work and here's how and on another the best thing you can do is stay home). (There have been many amusing blogs about the contradictory information you get pregnant and as a new mom.)
And that society could take a cue. Stop judging. Cloth diapers, disposables, breast milk, formula, nursing in public, having a career or not-- not everyone is making a statement. In fact, most people are just doing what works best for them, and more importantly, what they are able.
And if they're like most moms, they're trying pretty darn hard to do their best too.
Yes, we are a new generation of moms. Moms (and Dads) who have more choices in parenting than ever before -- and more situations that might bind us from making those choices also. There used to be one acceptable way to parent (in the eyes of society). But that isn't true any more. Our lives have changed. Now, our view points and understanding must follow.
Working mom, work at home mom, stay at home mom, part-time mom, step mom, psuedo mom, second mom, whatever you are or call yourself, keep up the good work.
Though they were all different, they started pretty much the same way; when they looked at the cost of childcare v.s. what they were making, they realized that they might as well stay home. Now, we could say a lot about the cost of childcare (though when you think of how that costs results in the person taking care of your children still making a fairly low wage, it might make your head spin) and also about how much certain professions pay, but that is a different discussion. The important part is that the other thing these women had in common was a choice.
Sure, they had to "cut back" or "learn to budget more tightly," (with kids you still need to do those things anyway )but they literally had the option to just stop working. Not everyone has that option. I don't.
Now, I'm not what anyone would consider poor, but I do have debts and responsibilities that I simply can't just decide to not pay. When I pay off some debt, I'll be in a better position, but still not one where I can make no income and rely solely on my husband's.
So, while these articles were meant to be new and trendy -- in the past they told us, guess what you can still work, so now they want to show that it is ok to choose not to-- all they did was make me feel guilty about not being in a position to just stop working. We're told not to compare ourselves to other mothers all the time, but these articles were making it kind of hard not to. They certainly were written with that "you can do it too!" bent.
Now, I'm glad that we're beginning to realize that "having it all" isn't really a viable option. There was a really great article about this that came out last summer, but the concept has been around for some time, alive in multiple analogies in other fields. For example, one way of looking at it was like what someone once told David Sedaris (that he mentions in his latest book Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls); you need to look at your life like a stove top with four burners. One is family, one is work, one is health, and one is friends. To be successful, you need to turn one off. To be really successful, you need to turn off two.
So, yes. It is nice that when it comes to "the modern woman" that we are finally realizing what so many other people, I guess buisness people, have been realizing for years. But this new view (Just stay at home), though it means to be refreshing, is just a rehashing of the old impossible for many women and, more importantly, assumes that this is an either or choice.
Most all of us can choose to go to work, but not all of us can choose to leave it. This isn't a matter of personality or preference or career goals v.s. home goals. This is a matter of financial can's and cannot's.
What our parenting and baby magazines and bloggers seem to miss is that life is more complicated than a black and white stay at home mom or a corporate genius who happens to have kids, and also that our actions dictate more than our "wants" and most of the time, don't properly demonstrate our wants at all. The whole issue is built up around a choice that isn't really a choice for many women and then decorated with all the claims that one or the other makes you a good or bad person, an involved or uninvolved mom.
the women who have managed to be both mothers and top professionals are superhuman, rich, or self-employed," is only scratching the surface. I don't consider myself superhuman, I'm not rich (ha!), but I run a close schedule to almost being self-employed. I teach, and when I became pregnant, one of my institutions graciously moved me to online classes. To make up the difference of not being offered anything at the other location, I begin doing a bit of contract grading. So in short, since my third trimester, I have largely been able to set my own schedule.
At first, this seemed like the perfect solution. I could work and be a full time mother. And initially, when my little one spent the majority of his days napping or clinging to my breast (yes, I used a boppy to nurse and work at the same time), it was a great solution. My work was punctuated by baby giggles and back dropped by snuggles. Random dance breaks kept us both entertained, and I was blessed with a child who was fine self-amusing himself on a play mat for an hour at a time. Not everyone's child has such a workable temperament -- I knew that and was grateful for his.
But as the weeks lagged on, and baby started to demand a bit more of my attention and time, I began to feel guilty. Instead of feeling like I was accomplishing both of my "jobs," I began to often feel like a failure at both. That wonderful hour where he was entertained on the play mat tortured me because I felt I should be interacting with him, teaching him things, guiding his growth and education. Likewise, I began to resent dirty diapers and fussy fits because I felt I could get more done (likely true) without the interruption. And if I decided to make him wait just a little longer for a diaper change or meal so that I could finish something, I felt like an inattentive mother.
There is a considerable amount of worry being a parent as there is. I am a particular fan of the saying that "Behind every good kid there is a mom who is sure she is messing it up." But, I was caught in something else. Instead of just getting the best of both worlds, which I was to a certain degree, I was also getting the worst of both -- an unfocused and hindered work day and a child I felt I was neglecting.
Being offered a few on campus classes did not solve my worries. My second institution offered me classes again, but they were in the middle of the day. Day Care was out of the question as I only needed it two days a week (go back to cost, yikes!), so we're interviewing for Nannies. This was such a hard decision to make, and I still quibble over it now and again.
I feel guilty admitting it will be nice to get out of the house and focus just on work, and I feel guilty leaving my son with someone else two days out of the week, despite our thorough interview process.
But here's the thing.
I shouldn't.
I'm doing what I have to do. I'm doing the best that I can. And despite the moments where I don't feel like "being mommy," I love my son more than I have loved anything. I shouldn't feel guilty admitting that leaving him with someone else will actually be better for his social interaction and my productivity. Just as I shouldn't feel guilty about making work work with my son at home.
Today, for instance, was one of those days where I re-discovered his schedule and worked around his alone playtime and naps and was able to get a good amount of work done, guilt free. I stopped between essays to check on him and even had a mini dance session before his first nap. I also realized that when I was able to relax and let the day happen, him time, me time, and not worry about if this was the road to perfect mothering or how I would be judged etc. that it worked out better for both of us.
What I have discovered is this: Society makes it seem like there is a simple choice. That you either choose to be "a great mom" who stays at home with their kids or you choose be a great career woman who happens to have children. They tell you you shouldn't feel guilty for your decision either way, but then bombard you with articles and research to dispute whatever choice you've made.
We have an overwhelming pressure in today's world to categorize everything. Authors have been forced into these labels for years, those who liked to work in more than one genre or for more than one audience being forced, basically, to do it in secret or under a pseudonym or getting banned like Tomi Ungeger if the audiences were too far apart. But this senseless categorization has permeated into our lives. Perhaps because of online shopping or the intense pressure to discover markets or finding people who are like you on things like Facebook.
I'm not saying that we never categorized people before, just that it seems to have gotten worse in terms of how polarized we are, even as a nation in general. (THAT certainly is a another story.) It has fostered a way of thinking that suggests though there are hundreds of choices, only a select few are right, and the rest are wrong, not just practically, but morally.
And it's actually more complicated than making the "wrong" choice of the "two" types. Having managed to live in the gray area, I realize this guilt is there no matter what you choose.
70% of all women suffer from Baby Blues after giving birth and about 13% go on to suffer from Postpartum Depression. Fathers are not usually included in these statistics and some sites will even imply that it is not possible for Fathers to feel this way. However, that is not the case. I personally suffered from Baby Blues, and though I didn't understand it at the time (I loved my baby, why was I so sad?) I quickly realized once I recovered that it was the over bearing expectations that had me down.
All I wanted to do was stare at and tend to my little one, and rightfully so. Had I lived in a cave way back in time, I could have, slowly adjusting back into the wild and introducing it to my off spring slowly. But today, that is not possible. Maternity leave on average is 6-8 weeks. Since I was still part-time, I continued to work during my birth. My Baby Blues came from the pure impossibility I was feeling. How, how can I possibly do ALL THAT??
It doesn't help that the hospital and other outlets make you certain your child will get dropped or suffocate in their sleep unless you are 100% vigilant, but the main source of my issue was that I knew I was expected to a certain degree to bounce back quickly. Take my break and get back to work, but also try to be the best mother possible because hey, kids are our future.
It's great that we can research the effects of parenting now, that I can tell you how many people suffer from Baby Blues, or how different things effect my child's development. But, we are way too anxious to make that research "useful," to use it to determine how to be the perfect parent.
Giving birth is already intimidating enough (their life is literally in your hands) without the added pressure that if you choose to stay with your baby you're not doing your part for society or your family. Or that if you return to work, you're not really "being a mom." Or that you are one of those people who must do both. I'm curious how many Baby Blues stem from similar fears.
There needs to be a movement in general that while yes, categories and generalizations have their place, the truth is that we are a world of individuals, or as my husband likes to say, snowflakes.
Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will work for me and vice versa. This is something that most mothers seem to come to realize and accept. Embrace even. Offering advice and taking it knowing already that they'll put their own spin on it and it will work or not.
They know that, whether they are a mother who spends her lunch breaks at a child care or stays home and makes sandwiches shaped like stars, that they're doing the best they can and making it work.
And yet, I'm sure, even they feel a little guilty now and then.
While it is wonderful that most of us can see the light and come around to the same conclusion on their own or with the help of experienced mothers, it would be even nicer if all these outlets that claim to support and educate new moms took on that attitude, just like that (instead of getting schizophrenic and telling us on one page to return to work and here's how and on another the best thing you can do is stay home). (There have been many amusing blogs about the contradictory information you get pregnant and as a new mom.)
And that society could take a cue. Stop judging. Cloth diapers, disposables, breast milk, formula, nursing in public, having a career or not-- not everyone is making a statement. In fact, most people are just doing what works best for them, and more importantly, what they are able.
And if they're like most moms, they're trying pretty darn hard to do their best too.
Yes, we are a new generation of moms. Moms (and Dads) who have more choices in parenting than ever before -- and more situations that might bind us from making those choices also. There used to be one acceptable way to parent (in the eyes of society). But that isn't true any more. Our lives have changed. Now, our view points and understanding must follow.
Working mom, work at home mom, stay at home mom, part-time mom, step mom, psuedo mom, second mom, whatever you are or call yourself, keep up the good work.
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