It's funny how being nervous can change a person.
Most people are accustomed to shaky hands, an achy stomach, perhaps even throwing up, sweating, forgetting what it is they are supposed to do, but I wonder how much thought they put into other symptoms.
I experience an achy stomach surely and when it's really bad (like in an interview requiring a presentation, my hands shake), but what I find more interesting is other habits of mine that change.
For instance, I am usually comfortable laying out a general outline and then basically winging it. I'll mentally rehearse new things, but on the whole I wing it. I'm comfortable with this because it makes me adaptable.
For reasons I am still exploring, I also tend to be a tardy individual. I've come leaps and bounds when it comes to being on time for work (though since I set many of those hours myself, perhaps that is a bit unfair), but on a whole I'm late.
Unless I'm nervous.
When I am nervous, the only thing that gets my mind off of it is rehearsing and planning in a way that any other day I would probably consider overly anal.
And when I'm nervous I am early. Almost without fail.
I had a job interview a few weeks ago and they suggested I turn up about 15 minutes ahead of time.
I was there 1 1/2 hours ahead of time. This is not out of the norm.
Take today for instance. It's the first day of summer classes, and I am nervous. I'm ready to leave about 1/2 an hour before I need to, and that's if I want to arrive a whole hour early (likely unnecessary on day one). Additionally, I know exactly how today's class will go and since I like to be adaptable, I have several plans depending on how much time each thing ends up taking.
Part of me wonders why, after years of teaching, I'm still nervous on the first day, but another part of me tells me that the day I'm not at least a bit nervous will be the day I no longer care how it goes, and since that day isn't ever likely to happen, I'll just need to accept my nervousness.
I think that is, perhaps, true for all people who are nervous. Nerves, it would seem, is a good sign.
Now, being early and completely prepared doesn't really leave me with much to do other than sitting around feeling nervous. Which is stupid. Unfortunately, I don't usually opt to read or play games or do other activities because I'm so nervous I'm afraid it will take me out of the right mind set.
So what do I do instead?
I narrate.
Yeah, that's right. I narrate what I am doing. Even if it is just sitting there being nervous, my writer voice (who sometimes really doesn't feel like it belongs to me) kicks in and starts describing what I'm doing and thinking and why I'm doing and thinking those things. Third person, of course.
Maybe it is crazy, but since I'm aware of it and aware that others might think it odd, I think it means I'm sane. We're all a little crazy after all.
Anyway, astonishingly enough this actually calms my nerves. The situation suddenly seems completely within my control as though my narrations actually are controlling the situation and not the other way around (which is the actual truth).
I know that there are many methods suggested for calming one's nerves, but I've never heard this one suggested and it is only today that I became fully aware of the fact that I kick into this mode whenever I was nervous. Mostly because the search for my other shoe did not seem particularly noteworthy and yet there was narrator voice, trying to make the search both interesting and suspenseful.
This seems rather strange as I generally dive away from autobiographical writings in general, and yet, it is comforting. I wonder if it has something to do with my need (yes need) to write. Since writing seems to cure all other forms of restlessness and creative urges in me, I suppose that it truly only logically makes sense.
Which is also perhaps why I write stories and blogs when I am most stressed and not when I have all the time in the world.
For instance, my half hour is about up now, so I must end here and head on my way to the college. But this realization is enlightening to me and perhaps in the future I can purposely, concisely call on it to fix any shaking limbs.
Indeed, it would likely be a good idea for us all to identify our nervous quirks to better navigate them in the future.
Having satisfyingly finished her blog, though feeling the end a little anticlimactic, she happily pushed the update button and prepared to quickly post the link to her Facebook page before heading down to the car. In the back of her mind she wondered how she would survive such hot teaching days being that sweat is both uncomfortable and dangerous in the sense that it kills deodorant mercilessly.
Most people are accustomed to shaky hands, an achy stomach, perhaps even throwing up, sweating, forgetting what it is they are supposed to do, but I wonder how much thought they put into other symptoms.
I experience an achy stomach surely and when it's really bad (like in an interview requiring a presentation, my hands shake), but what I find more interesting is other habits of mine that change.
For instance, I am usually comfortable laying out a general outline and then basically winging it. I'll mentally rehearse new things, but on the whole I wing it. I'm comfortable with this because it makes me adaptable.
For reasons I am still exploring, I also tend to be a tardy individual. I've come leaps and bounds when it comes to being on time for work (though since I set many of those hours myself, perhaps that is a bit unfair), but on a whole I'm late.
Unless I'm nervous.
When I am nervous, the only thing that gets my mind off of it is rehearsing and planning in a way that any other day I would probably consider overly anal.
And when I'm nervous I am early. Almost without fail.
I had a job interview a few weeks ago and they suggested I turn up about 15 minutes ahead of time.
I was there 1 1/2 hours ahead of time. This is not out of the norm.
Take today for instance. It's the first day of summer classes, and I am nervous. I'm ready to leave about 1/2 an hour before I need to, and that's if I want to arrive a whole hour early (likely unnecessary on day one). Additionally, I know exactly how today's class will go and since I like to be adaptable, I have several plans depending on how much time each thing ends up taking.
Part of me wonders why, after years of teaching, I'm still nervous on the first day, but another part of me tells me that the day I'm not at least a bit nervous will be the day I no longer care how it goes, and since that day isn't ever likely to happen, I'll just need to accept my nervousness.
I think that is, perhaps, true for all people who are nervous. Nerves, it would seem, is a good sign.
Now, being early and completely prepared doesn't really leave me with much to do other than sitting around feeling nervous. Which is stupid. Unfortunately, I don't usually opt to read or play games or do other activities because I'm so nervous I'm afraid it will take me out of the right mind set.
So what do I do instead?
I narrate.
Yeah, that's right. I narrate what I am doing. Even if it is just sitting there being nervous, my writer voice (who sometimes really doesn't feel like it belongs to me) kicks in and starts describing what I'm doing and thinking and why I'm doing and thinking those things. Third person, of course.
Maybe it is crazy, but since I'm aware of it and aware that others might think it odd, I think it means I'm sane. We're all a little crazy after all.
Anyway, astonishingly enough this actually calms my nerves. The situation suddenly seems completely within my control as though my narrations actually are controlling the situation and not the other way around (which is the actual truth).
I know that there are many methods suggested for calming one's nerves, but I've never heard this one suggested and it is only today that I became fully aware of the fact that I kick into this mode whenever I was nervous. Mostly because the search for my other shoe did not seem particularly noteworthy and yet there was narrator voice, trying to make the search both interesting and suspenseful.
This seems rather strange as I generally dive away from autobiographical writings in general, and yet, it is comforting. I wonder if it has something to do with my need (yes need) to write. Since writing seems to cure all other forms of restlessness and creative urges in me, I suppose that it truly only logically makes sense.
Which is also perhaps why I write stories and blogs when I am most stressed and not when I have all the time in the world.
For instance, my half hour is about up now, so I must end here and head on my way to the college. But this realization is enlightening to me and perhaps in the future I can purposely, concisely call on it to fix any shaking limbs.
Indeed, it would likely be a good idea for us all to identify our nervous quirks to better navigate them in the future.
Having satisfyingly finished her blog, though feeling the end a little anticlimactic, she happily pushed the update button and prepared to quickly post the link to her Facebook page before heading down to the car. In the back of her mind she wondered how she would survive such hot teaching days being that sweat is both uncomfortable and dangerous in the sense that it kills deodorant mercilessly.
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