A few years ago I was sitting in Denver at AWP in one of the conferences about self-publishing. I asked a question concerning a handmade book I had made in my MFA program that I then consigned at Atomicbooks.com. I wanted to know if I should just send the handmade thing to an agent or keep it as a handmade deal. When I told him how many I had sold without doing any actual promotion, he told me his advice to me was to promote it.
I printed about 10 handouts for a table at AWP and then proceeded to do nothing.
Now, you know that I have typed about my struggles with procrastination many, many times (just search my blog on the left for "procrastination"), but recently I am thinking that this issue with not promoting myself is more than procrastination.
My husband used to tease me and tell me I had McFly syndrome, and perhaps some of it is that. There is also another issue, success. Now, bear with me on this, but I sometimes worry that if I do too well, that it will constantly be expected of me. My husband thinks this is dumb, and perhaps, rightfully so.
While these two sound like things many artist face, I think the issue still goes beyond that. These are nice psychological self-diagnosis, but I still don't think it gets to the heart of the matter and perhaps, I've just been using them as convenient excuses. I can't say that when I think of it I really experience either.
I could boil it down to being lazy, but that's not it either really. I can certainly have lazy moments like everyone else, but with the amount of energy I put into nearly everything else (usually my work) and the fact that I somehow have still manage to get two books out there and do pretty well in an annual high pressure contest (nycmidnight), it doesn't seem like that is really the issue either. At least, not all the time.
So lately I started turning to look at my other love: Teaching. Many teachers have said they don't have time to write and teach, and for the past month, I thought that might be it too. I even applied to a few nonteaching jobs just in case, but when it came down to it. I really don't want to stop teaching. I LOVE teaching. I want to do BOTH.
Besides that, I may have been writing more before I started teaching, but my submission tables were just as sporadic.
So what is it? Is it possible that there simply is no reason? Or like deciding to lose weight or to change jobs or start a family or get married, does it just happen when it happens? You just one day wake up and realize-- this is it; this is real; I want this.
Is that the real reason that it takes some people 30 years to succeed?
Well, I don't know if I'm simply going through another productive fit or if I've finally had that moment. Things change, life goes on, and I know I can't do everything in the world, but I really only have three goals in my life: writer, teacher, mother. I don't need to be super famous(that seems tiresome). I don't need to be rich (though it would be nice). I just want to succeed at my own personal goals, and though many people let their dreams slip through their fingers, I don't want to do that. Normal life (bills, chores, doctor appointments) "gets in the way," or at least that is what we claim, but the truth is we just need to make our goals a part of our normal life.
Dreams should not be things only of the future (one day I will), but things of the present (today I will).
I've heard a version of this before, but in the Carrol Community College cafe today I saw a sign that said, "A dream is just a dream, but a goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline."
This sign isn't what changed my behavior, but it is fitting for my mood and recent activity.
It seems so simple. So small.
But what I have found in life is that it is the small things that really matter. Few people who have actually changed the world, woke up the day it happened and decided that's what they were going to do. They just did what they had to do or did what they wanted to do, and managed well what followed.
So if you see a lot more activity on my blog or on my twitter or on my facebook or on my goodreads, all of these things that have been sitting idle waiting to be discovered -- not by fans, but by me-- that's why.
I don't want to be pushy or obnoxious as some self promoters can be, but I'm going to hope that just by being more active and then sharing when I am active that that will be a step in the right direction.
And as always when I share one of these "self discovery" posts, I encourage you to do the same.
I printed about 10 handouts for a table at AWP and then proceeded to do nothing.
Now, you know that I have typed about my struggles with procrastination many, many times (just search my blog on the left for "procrastination"), but recently I am thinking that this issue with not promoting myself is more than procrastination.
My husband used to tease me and tell me I had McFly syndrome, and perhaps some of it is that. There is also another issue, success. Now, bear with me on this, but I sometimes worry that if I do too well, that it will constantly be expected of me. My husband thinks this is dumb, and perhaps, rightfully so.
While these two sound like things many artist face, I think the issue still goes beyond that. These are nice psychological self-diagnosis, but I still don't think it gets to the heart of the matter and perhaps, I've just been using them as convenient excuses. I can't say that when I think of it I really experience either.
I could boil it down to being lazy, but that's not it either really. I can certainly have lazy moments like everyone else, but with the amount of energy I put into nearly everything else (usually my work) and the fact that I somehow have still manage to get two books out there and do pretty well in an annual high pressure contest (nycmidnight), it doesn't seem like that is really the issue either. At least, not all the time.
So lately I started turning to look at my other love: Teaching. Many teachers have said they don't have time to write and teach, and for the past month, I thought that might be it too. I even applied to a few nonteaching jobs just in case, but when it came down to it. I really don't want to stop teaching. I LOVE teaching. I want to do BOTH.
Besides that, I may have been writing more before I started teaching, but my submission tables were just as sporadic.
So what is it? Is it possible that there simply is no reason? Or like deciding to lose weight or to change jobs or start a family or get married, does it just happen when it happens? You just one day wake up and realize-- this is it; this is real; I want this.
Is that the real reason that it takes some people 30 years to succeed?
Well, I don't know if I'm simply going through another productive fit or if I've finally had that moment. Things change, life goes on, and I know I can't do everything in the world, but I really only have three goals in my life: writer, teacher, mother. I don't need to be super famous(that seems tiresome). I don't need to be rich (though it would be nice). I just want to succeed at my own personal goals, and though many people let their dreams slip through their fingers, I don't want to do that. Normal life (bills, chores, doctor appointments) "gets in the way," or at least that is what we claim, but the truth is we just need to make our goals a part of our normal life.
Dreams should not be things only of the future (one day I will), but things of the present (today I will).
I've heard a version of this before, but in the Carrol Community College cafe today I saw a sign that said, "A dream is just a dream, but a goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline."
This sign isn't what changed my behavior, but it is fitting for my mood and recent activity.
It seems so simple. So small.
But what I have found in life is that it is the small things that really matter. Few people who have actually changed the world, woke up the day it happened and decided that's what they were going to do. They just did what they had to do or did what they wanted to do, and managed well what followed.
So if you see a lot more activity on my blog or on my twitter or on my facebook or on my goodreads, all of these things that have been sitting idle waiting to be discovered -- not by fans, but by me-- that's why.
I don't want to be pushy or obnoxious as some self promoters can be, but I'm going to hope that just by being more active and then sharing when I am active that that will be a step in the right direction.
And as always when I share one of these "self discovery" posts, I encourage you to do the same.
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