Today is my birthday and I will admit that I did not approach it with the same celebratory vigor as in years past. I planned a party (for this Saturday) and awaited the calender to flip to 1-0. But there was also a looming.
This is the first birthday where I thought of myself as aging. There is just something that seemed dooming about 26, as though 25 was the last age I had an excuse to be young at. I started thinking about the big 3-0 and what it all meant. What had I accomplished? Am I where I'm supposed to be?
Despite all my feel goodness over completing my master's degree and knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I began to question it all. Is this really what I want to do with my life? When is it too late? (Yes even that despite my "It's never too late for anything" mantra.) I felt about 30 like Sally did about 40 in When Harry Met Sally I'm not thirty now. It is 4 complete, whole years away, "But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end."
Then today came. 26. Every so often (or perhaps every year) on my birthday I say the age over in my head and ask myself how I feel. Do I feel different? Do I need to act different? What does this age say for me.
Despite the dread (or perhaps because of it) I asked myself that very question as I was struggling to get back to sleep after Chris got up to go to work this morning.
"26, how do you feel." And I surprised myself with the answer. "Good. Young, yet professional."
Maybe it is the 6 and the 2. I've always been a fan of even numbers, and when I teasingly told everyone I would be celebrating my "sweet 26" perhaps I really wasn't that far off from the magical feelings of sixteen. Only this is the adult sixteen. Ten years ago I may have been eligible for a license, but today I feel eligible for a life. An adult life. All the crossroads are gone. I can apply for practically anything, have no trouble renting a car, and still manage to get id'd when I order a pomegranate margarita with "mmm sugar please."
Maybe it is because I had an interview today. Being reminded how much you love to do something can certainly give you a boost. Perhaps even remind you that you are perfectly happy where you are. Perfectly fine with your official adult self. The official type of self that isn't granted by legal papers simply because you are 18, but because you are living your life, making your own decisions.
26 sounds so young yet responsible. It sounds a little more carefree than 27. But 27 is a year away. A whole 365 days to be exact. Right now I'm just going to focus on being 26, being me. Open to whatever life wants to hurl at me this year. Because at this age, I can take it.
This is the first birthday where I thought of myself as aging. There is just something that seemed dooming about 26, as though 25 was the last age I had an excuse to be young at. I started thinking about the big 3-0 and what it all meant. What had I accomplished? Am I where I'm supposed to be?
Despite all my feel goodness over completing my master's degree and knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I began to question it all. Is this really what I want to do with my life? When is it too late? (Yes even that despite my "It's never too late for anything" mantra.) I felt about 30 like Sally did about 40 in When Harry Met Sally I'm not thirty now. It is 4 complete, whole years away, "But it's there. It's just sitting there, like some big dead end."
Then today came. 26. Every so often (or perhaps every year) on my birthday I say the age over in my head and ask myself how I feel. Do I feel different? Do I need to act different? What does this age say for me.
Despite the dread (or perhaps because of it) I asked myself that very question as I was struggling to get back to sleep after Chris got up to go to work this morning.
"26, how do you feel." And I surprised myself with the answer. "Good. Young, yet professional."
Maybe it is the 6 and the 2. I've always been a fan of even numbers, and when I teasingly told everyone I would be celebrating my "sweet 26" perhaps I really wasn't that far off from the magical feelings of sixteen. Only this is the adult sixteen. Ten years ago I may have been eligible for a license, but today I feel eligible for a life. An adult life. All the crossroads are gone. I can apply for practically anything, have no trouble renting a car, and still manage to get id'd when I order a pomegranate margarita with "mmm sugar please."
Maybe it is because I had an interview today. Being reminded how much you love to do something can certainly give you a boost. Perhaps even remind you that you are perfectly happy where you are. Perfectly fine with your official adult self. The official type of self that isn't granted by legal papers simply because you are 18, but because you are living your life, making your own decisions.
26 sounds so young yet responsible. It sounds a little more carefree than 27. But 27 is a year away. A whole 365 days to be exact. Right now I'm just going to focus on being 26, being me. Open to whatever life wants to hurl at me this year. Because at this age, I can take it.
Not so suddenly as I recall. I like your post. I am so proud that my beautiful baby girl, at 26 is happy with her life. I was remembering 26, nothing stands out about the number, but I konw that you were 7 and Paul was 3. We just moved home from Hawaii so lots of big changes were going on. I wish that I had appreciated 26 more at the time but my life was full of other thoughts and concerns.
ReplyDeleteYou will always be that "16" year old girl, inside your soul. Your great Granny Brooks said that to me once, when I was 16. She said that in her heart, she was still the same person that she was when she was 16. She just looked different and knew more. I like that.
Happy 26th Birthday my beautiful daughter. I wish you many more happy "anniversary of your birth" days.