If they want to know why I was behind or why I'm in town or what I did this weekend,I can't lie and say I sat around. I say I went out of town. When they asked for my zip code in the store for my credit card in IL, I'm from out of town.
Why are you in town?
Why were you out of town?
It's strange because I tell myself I don't want to burden them with the truth of it. Really I don't want to burden myself. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don' t want to have to go into the details.
If I start then I feel I need to explain or sometimes they ask. Once its out there it just keeps coming. Then I feel bad. Feel bad for reliving it. Feel bad for making their day sadder than it was before. They get a sad voice, watery eyes. They react to the story at face value while I have to live it. Living it, it is much less comprehensible.
But I think little by little I this is making it better. It's necessary, after all, to let it out. Even if only little by little, like slowly letting air out of a balloon, occasionally a whisper or a scream, but never letting totally go. Never flying crazy around the room.
I'm scared of that I think, though I don't know why.
How else do you explain listening to Rise Against on full volume with a straight face. It wasn't being numb. It was relaxing, letting them be angry for me.
Why are you in town?
Why were you out of town?
It's strange because I tell myself I don't want to burden them with the truth of it. Really I don't want to burden myself. I don't want to have to talk about it. I don' t want to have to go into the details.
If I start then I feel I need to explain or sometimes they ask. Once its out there it just keeps coming. Then I feel bad. Feel bad for reliving it. Feel bad for making their day sadder than it was before. They get a sad voice, watery eyes. They react to the story at face value while I have to live it. Living it, it is much less comprehensible.
But I think little by little I this is making it better. It's necessary, after all, to let it out. Even if only little by little, like slowly letting air out of a balloon, occasionally a whisper or a scream, but never letting totally go. Never flying crazy around the room.
I'm scared of that I think, though I don't know why.
How else do you explain listening to Rise Against on full volume with a straight face. It wasn't being numb. It was relaxing, letting them be angry for me.
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