I've been trying to lose weight for 3 years now. (At least, I say 3 because anything before that wasn't a real effort) I watched my calories and didn't count on the weekend and I made my way down. I joined weight watchers last summer and finally reached a weight I am comfortable with. I got active again. I do yoga, rock climbing, and take dance classes every week.
Weight Watchers allows for sweets, allows for large meals, allows for pizza. WW is teaching me to control my portions. Loosing the weight became easy. I had a goal. I had a plan. I could have my cake and eat it to.
Lately though I get these cravings. I'll be fine. I'll eat good all day. I'll even have snacks. Then suddenly I come home and I have to have everything at once. Even if I had a cupcake at work. Even if I was planning on a large dinner. Doesn't matter.
While it is still a controlled binge, bites here and here and here instead of packages here and there and everywhere, it is still a binge. Chocolate PB, ice cream, cake, brownies, all of it. Left over jelly beans? Ok. Bag of marshmallows, look out. If its sweet, it better not be in my kitchen.
I have enough sense to try and count most of it and then sense enough to work out or realize the jig is up for my extra points that I would have rather saved for the weekend or for a real dessert. But why? Why now that I have very little to loose am I prone to this? I wasn't a saint when I was loosing weight by any means, but binges? I didn't binge without planning to. Now I feel like I need to guard myself against it everyday.
I lost weight because I wanted to feel good about my body. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be active. I wanted to tie my shoes without breathing heavy from bending over. I didn't want to worry about my weight. And I have done this. In fact I worry less about what I wear now. I'm no longer obsessed about whether if a shirt hangs this way or if pants have stripes that way if they make me look fat. I check my profile in the mirror a billion less times than I used to.
But I think a part of me lost weight because I just wanted to feel less guilty about eating. I wanted to not think about what I was eating. The truth of the matter is, I can't do that. If I throw away all I've learned about portion control I'll find myself back in the same situation I was before.
I know that in reality it is actually easier to maintain than loose because I've done it. I know that at 135 I can have a binge here and there and even if I gain 5 pounds if I behave myself they'll be gone again in a week or two. And that is a lot easier to lose 5 than 50.
And yet, I crave.
Chris actually said the other night, "No thanks. I'm not in the mood for sweets tonight." I envied him that. I am always in the mood for sweets. Dinner? No thanks none for me, I'm full. Cake? Oh yes why not, one piece won't kill me! And it won't. My problem is stopping at one piece.
I know I’m happiest now with my body than I have ever been. In high school I actually weighed less, but thought I was fat because I had tall slim friends, plus it was high school. Self esteem is something you shoot for, not an actual feeling most of the time. I'd rather not worry about my stomach hanging over my pants than down half a pizza without caring. (which inevitably I would care) I rather move on to climbing a 5.10 climb than beat out my guy friends with how many treats I can cram down me. So why, when I seem healthiest of mind, am I having these cravings? What is missing?
I know I misbehaved over the holidays, but I did it knowingly and with the plan to get back on track and hey I only gained 5 or 6 pounds. Not bad considering your weight can fluctuate that much in a given day. Then Josephine died and that's when it really started. I know to that since we got Astrid it hasn't been as bad. I know I associate food with love and I'm working on that. I really am.
This all still leaves me at a loss for why I have the cravings. And it matters in more ways than one.
My dad has a rare liver disease that is activated by fat cells. They didn't know if he was going to pull through it. They had him on some experimental drugs and a strict diet. He lost 70 lbs and the symptoms went away. Feeling better he went off his diet. Over the next few years he's gained a lot of the weight back, and now he's getting sick again. So its back to the diet. Its rough.
The disease is hereditary. I certainly don't want to take any chances.
Weight Watchers allows for sweets, allows for large meals, allows for pizza. WW is teaching me to control my portions. Loosing the weight became easy. I had a goal. I had a plan. I could have my cake and eat it to.
Lately though I get these cravings. I'll be fine. I'll eat good all day. I'll even have snacks. Then suddenly I come home and I have to have everything at once. Even if I had a cupcake at work. Even if I was planning on a large dinner. Doesn't matter.
While it is still a controlled binge, bites here and here and here instead of packages here and there and everywhere, it is still a binge. Chocolate PB, ice cream, cake, brownies, all of it. Left over jelly beans? Ok. Bag of marshmallows, look out. If its sweet, it better not be in my kitchen.
I have enough sense to try and count most of it and then sense enough to work out or realize the jig is up for my extra points that I would have rather saved for the weekend or for a real dessert. But why? Why now that I have very little to loose am I prone to this? I wasn't a saint when I was loosing weight by any means, but binges? I didn't binge without planning to. Now I feel like I need to guard myself against it everyday.
I lost weight because I wanted to feel good about my body. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to be active. I wanted to tie my shoes without breathing heavy from bending over. I didn't want to worry about my weight. And I have done this. In fact I worry less about what I wear now. I'm no longer obsessed about whether if a shirt hangs this way or if pants have stripes that way if they make me look fat. I check my profile in the mirror a billion less times than I used to.
But I think a part of me lost weight because I just wanted to feel less guilty about eating. I wanted to not think about what I was eating. The truth of the matter is, I can't do that. If I throw away all I've learned about portion control I'll find myself back in the same situation I was before.
I know that in reality it is actually easier to maintain than loose because I've done it. I know that at 135 I can have a binge here and there and even if I gain 5 pounds if I behave myself they'll be gone again in a week or two. And that is a lot easier to lose 5 than 50.
And yet, I crave.
Chris actually said the other night, "No thanks. I'm not in the mood for sweets tonight." I envied him that. I am always in the mood for sweets. Dinner? No thanks none for me, I'm full. Cake? Oh yes why not, one piece won't kill me! And it won't. My problem is stopping at one piece.
I know I’m happiest now with my body than I have ever been. In high school I actually weighed less, but thought I was fat because I had tall slim friends, plus it was high school. Self esteem is something you shoot for, not an actual feeling most of the time. I'd rather not worry about my stomach hanging over my pants than down half a pizza without caring. (which inevitably I would care) I rather move on to climbing a 5.10 climb than beat out my guy friends with how many treats I can cram down me. So why, when I seem healthiest of mind, am I having these cravings? What is missing?
I know I misbehaved over the holidays, but I did it knowingly and with the plan to get back on track and hey I only gained 5 or 6 pounds. Not bad considering your weight can fluctuate that much in a given day. Then Josephine died and that's when it really started. I know to that since we got Astrid it hasn't been as bad. I know I associate food with love and I'm working on that. I really am.
This all still leaves me at a loss for why I have the cravings. And it matters in more ways than one.
My dad has a rare liver disease that is activated by fat cells. They didn't know if he was going to pull through it. They had him on some experimental drugs and a strict diet. He lost 70 lbs and the symptoms went away. Feeling better he went off his diet. Over the next few years he's gained a lot of the weight back, and now he's getting sick again. So its back to the diet. Its rough.
The disease is hereditary. I certainly don't want to take any chances.
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